MyStory

In December of 2021, I told my then wife, that the way we live needed to change. That our marriage was in serious danger, and it will take both of us to resurrect it. We elected to go to marriage counseling. I want to emphasize the WE part, as when we actually went to marriage counseling, one of us participated, and the other did not. On what would be our last meeting with the counselor, he leaned into me and asked, “Why do you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you?”. Between this eye opening question, and the discovery of a new man that had made his way into my wife’s life (and into our bed when I was out of town), this chapter of my life was now over.

In March of 2022, I decided to separate from my wife, when she returned to the marital home at 2am claiming she had “fallen asleep” on her friends couch. Behavior that had happened before, and had been increasing with time. She acted shocked by this news. I found an apartment nearby, filled out the application, and paid a deposit to hold it with the intent to move out. I then began my search for a lawyer. To be honest I had no intent to hire a lawyer yet, but I knew it was time to talk to one. My goal was to avoid lawyers all together. I wanted to know the obvious. What did she stand to get? After speaking to 3 different lawyers that day, I had a good idea. Half. Also one key piece of legal information. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Now I had known for years that divorce was probably in our nearer future, so I took strategic steps throughout the marriage with hopes they would help me should I find myself in a high conflict divorce. Which is something I hoped to avoid or have to use. At the time I believed I could draft a settlement offer that would benefit the both of us, allowing us both to go our separate ways, licking our wounds for a time, but ultimately putting us each on the path we chose for ourselves.

Before I get to far into this story I want to say this….

I loved my wife, I chose her to marry, I chose her to make a life and have my children with. However, after several years of an unbalanced marriage, children, life, career, parenting, my resentment for her grew. To me, resentment is a cancer. Equally hard to reverse as it is to radiate from the body. Equally as damaging to other areas of life as chemotherapy is to otherwise healthy organs. Despite the hell of this divorce, and it is just that, my only solace moving forward was that of the children we brought into this world. I though to myself many sleepless nights that if the only good that were to come out of this long painful journey is that I will always have my children, then I could justify this journey called divorce. There was no job I ever wanted more than to be a Dad.

So in March of 2022 I notified my wife that we were no longer together, and that it was my intent to leave her. The marital home had a mother-in-law apartment, and over the next couple of weeks, I formally moved into that apartment, physically separated, but still remaining in my home. In June of that year she formally filed for divorce, but did it in a very cryptic way. You see, someone must be formally served and that someone cannot be the person who filed with the court. Nor can anyone involved serve you. She left me copies of the divorce filing on my bed, and said they were just there for my convenience. That she didn’t want to embarrass me with being formally served. Being naive with the whole process at that time, I took no concern with this, and began searching for ways to amicably divorce. What I didn’t know was that my wife had been plotting these moves for a long time, and that I was severely behind. My belief now was that my wife tried to casually serve me, with an intent to start the 21 day clock, where if I did not respond in a timely manner, a default judgement could then be passed and the court could and would grant her everything she requested. It was clear in that moment that everything was what she sought. My saving grace was that the court requires proof of formal service before the 21 day clock is started. Something she failed to do. At the time I had not formally retained a lawyer, so I believe strongly it was her intent to prey on my naivety and take everything I had worked for on a technicality. Thankfully, I found and had retained a lawyer shortly after this event took place. My new lawyer notified me that a petition to divorce had been filed but that it hadn’t been formally served. She asked if I wanted to accept, I did, and now we were officially off and running!

As this process began legally, I made one last attempt to settle with her amicably by making her a settlement offer. If you recall from earlier, I mentioned that I had taken some strategic steps throughout my marriage that I hoped would help me should her and I ever arrive in high conflict divorce. Things like, never having any shared banking accounts, never giving her a specific sum of money every month, and most importantly, when we bought the marital home, I put the mortgage and the title in my name only. Why? As for the bank accounts, neither of us had access to each others accounts. Even though she was entitled to half of my accounts, I was also entitled to half hers too. Keeping the accounts separate, protected the balances from the other person. This made the separation process massively easier and the money was more protected. Even though I was the bread winner I never gave her an allowance or any set dollar amount each month. This way she couldn’t claim later that she was used to receiving “X” amount of dollars every month and thus persuade a court to continue receiving that amount of money either in a motion or the final decree. Instead, during our marriage I added her to one of my credit cards, of which I paid the full balance of every month. She was allowed to use this card without a budget. When we separated, I promptly cancelled that card as doing so did not violate any of the laws the state has in place for dissolving a marriage. As for the home, she is owed money since it was purchased using marital money, however in the State of Utah, there is no law that will permit a Judge to award your personal property to someone else. My settlements all involved a buyout, and included her leaving the marital home. This was unacceptable to her, and over the next 2 years she went to every extreme possible to try and get around that very fact. Including threatening to take full custody of our children. Needless to say, she never countered any of my settlement offers, so the war began.

So what happened next? The paperwork was officially filed, she was now the Petitioner, and I the Respondent. The court made us go to a couple online classes, we both brought our lawyers up to speed, and game plans were built. She acquired her lawyer first, and began an opening salvo of an injunction filed against me. It was petty, vague and again she failed to properly serve me. She tried to weaponize it right away, but it quickly burned out and when I finally retained my own lawyer, it disappeared into the abyss of this fight. Our first meeting with lawyers would come via court mandated mediation, with a court approved mediator. In our case was a very kind, corporate attorney who specialized in finances. I want to add a little footnote here. I know there are two sides of every story, and right now you are only getting mine. With that said, the settlement offers I made to my wife, were harsh, but reasonable, and justifiable based on our circumstances. We were both working for years behind the scenes for a situation such as this one was becoming, jockeying for an upper-hand. Despite the harshness of the settlement offers, and the sting they would surely leave on both of us, we would have both walked away from this with some dignity, a sizeable amount of money in our pockets, with an ability to move on comfortably, and most importantly, our children wouldn’t have suffered the way that have.

The day for mediation arrived, I at my lawyers office, her at hers. The meeting would be conducted via Zoom, where the mediator would speak to us individually (with council), where the other party could never hear what was being said by the other. Mediation by the way is very protected. What is said in mediation is not recorded, nor is it admissible in court. The only requirement, is that both parties must make a reasonable attempt to settle, so the mediator can check a box that says we both met the prerequisites to legally continue the fight if necessary. Mediation for us was a long day. Eight hours to be exact, and we did not reach a settlement. However it was a success in my eyes (despite the financial cost), because it was the first time an unbiased, third party could evaluate the situation I was in and be able to relay reality to us both. I can say that my wife required a tremendous amount of extra time with the mediator, as her demands were so far off in left field she was in danger of not getting her boxed checked. At the end of the day when mediation had failed, some things became very clear. That my wife wanted to remain in the marital home for as long as possible, and if she were ever to leave it, she wanted more than it was worth. That she wanted to work as little as possible, and that despite her being employed for the last 15 years and capable of working her fair share, was just looking for a large monthly payout. Knowing these things now, I knew we needed to get in front of a judge as soon as possible. That we needed an end date on the calendar, to apply the pressure of the realities that were coming both of our ways, and for the encouragement to end this sooner rather than later.

The week after mediation concluded, my lawyer and I got together, and created a final settlement offer. That it was our intent to move forward legally and take her to court if she did not accept this offer. That this settlement offer would remain on the table for her review until the moment we enter the courtroom (which I though at the time would take weeks, maybe a month or two, but it has been nearly three years and we are not scheduled in front of the Judge until late October of 2025). The final settlement offer that was made was different from the previous ones, as advice from the mediation attorney and the mediation process helped us create a more attractive settlement based off of what my wife claimed she wanted and what I could stand to give in more on. Shockingly, this settlement was never countered or acknowledged. My wife aggressively decided to file a motion with the court via her lawyer for temporary orders, that were filled with lies, accusations, and hefty consequences if I were to be found guilty of any of them. She wrote these accusations up via a four page declaration, and provided zero evidence to support any of her claims. Nor did her lawyer vet the claims she was making. (I found out later that most attorneys take you at your word and never ask for any proof… Anyone else see a problem with this?) So the burden and cost of providing that proof fell solely on me and my lawyers ability to defend me. In her motion she demanded, that the court award her full access to the marital home, that I was to move out immediately, 80/20 custody of our children as she was the “primary care-giver”, and $5000 a month in alimony/child support. To say I was flabbergasted would have been an understatement. For context, none of these demands were made or even spoken about during mediation. Custody was NEVER in play, as we had both agreed early on, neither of us were to use the children as pawns. This seemed to change for her when the mediator told her that she had no rights to the marital home, other than being owed money for it. Also, at the time I didn’t even make $5500 a month in net income. I was blindsided by this motion as the majority of our mediation was based on her buyout of the marital home, alimony, for how much and how long, and who got the camper. Being officially accused of things you knew you never did was one thing, it pissed me off greatly, and I was ready to defend myself. However it was her attempting to take our children away from me that really lit my fire.

For context, my wife had hated my previous job as I was gone for work 16 days in a row every month, but would be home 15 days in row after. It paid me a substantial amount of money and allowed us to live a very privileged lifestyle. However in an attempt to save the marriage, I applied and accepted a new job while we were separated, but before she filed divorce. This new job was a sizeable pay cut initially, but would allow me to be home more as she requested and was a company she had urged me on several occasions to work for. I hated the job, actually I hated the company but loved the job itself. My intent was to go back to my old job if she decided to officially file for divorce, however when she filed this temporary order and went after an unfair custody schedule, going back to my old company was out of the question. I was officially stuck.

Now enter the court system. It is the very first time we enter a courtroom, together and in front of someone who holds authority and power over us. Commissioner Christina Wilson of the 2nd Judicial District Court for Davis County Utah was that authoritarian. However, when we were supposed to be called up in front of the Commissioner that day by the bailiff, it was determined that our case was accidentally left off of her ballet. There was another family there in our time slot looking as confused as we were. So what did the court do? The court rushed the first family through theirs, (20 minutes or so) and then brought us in. I want to add here that if you are going into a courtroom, it is assumed to be serious. Being rushed to make your case, is not a scenario anyone should ever want to be in. Once seated they told us that we only have a short amount of time to make our cases. It was very rushed and disorganized. Since the paperwork was filed well before hand, one would think the court would be ready to go with the case. However it was clear Commissioner Wilson had only skimmed the information prior and was now trying to get herself up to speed. I witnessed her shuffling papers and trying to read our cases in between pauses of talking. When the Commissioner did speak, it was painfully obvious how little she knew about our case. The whole thing lasted approximately 45 minutes. The vast majority of that time was my ex’s lawyer trying to make his case despite having zero evidence. One could call it “hearsay”. The Commissioner, seamed perturbed by their case as she had to ask a lot of questions regarding their claims, as inconsistencies in their story came out quickly. At one point, Commissioner Wilson even rolled her eyes at my ex when she questioned her on one of her claims, and my ex’s answer was very sub-par and self incriminating against herself. Needless to say, time expired, and I was very nervous. Not only was I not asked one question by Commissioner Wilson, my lawyer barely spoke, and when she did, the other lawyer snapped “OBJECTION”. This seemed to rattle my lawyer and added to my angst. However, due to financial inconsistencies in my ex’s financial declaration, and because I assume the whole event was terribly rushed, Commission Wilson opted not to rule that day. What she did do, was had us reconvene a week later via WebEx, where she would make her ruling. Walking out of the courtroom, I asked my lawyer if that went well? She said yes. I then asked her is that how these things always go. Her reply was “usually worse”. She went on to tell me that it was great the commissioners attention was dominated by the inconsistencies of my ex’s claims, and that she postponed her ruling a week was a good sign. Still, my stomach was in knots.

A week came and went, and now I am on my computer at home in the mother in law apartment, my ex upstairs in the main house on hers. The court WebEx screen suddenly awakens and there is my ex, her lawyer, my lawyer and Commissioner Wilson. The first thing I noticed, was that I am permanently muted by the commissioner and otherwise unable to speak. Clearly I am to just be a spectator of what is to come. Commissioner Wilson began with the charges my ex made against me. Charges that if found guilty, could set my ability to fight this fight at a great disadvantage, as well as possible jail time. My ex’s charges of me where three. 1. I purposely and willfully removed her from our family health insurance without her consent or knowledge. 2. I prevented her access to the WiFi in the home, and 3. I invaded her privacy by dropping in on her Amazon Alexa that was located in her bedroom. The commissioner stated that she did not find me guilty of restricting the WiFi access and dismissed that accusation. She then dismissed the claim that I was dropping in on my ex’s Alexa, and told my ex, if she were that concerned she could have just unplugged it. On the health insurance charge, the commissioner admitted she was confused by what happened, and that she decided to punt this one to the judge for him to decide “if and when” we would ever get in front of him. She then went on babbling about our monthly expenses and obligations. Breaking them each down and slashing them systematically. This part was a giant waste of time, as I paid for everything, and I knew my ex wasn’t going to start following the commissioners new budget. After this, Commissioner Wilson then handed out these life changing rulings. That of the $5000 a month in child support/alimony my ex requested, she award her $2795 a month. Of the 80/20 parental custody requested by my ex, she was awarded 60/40 based on a work schedule for a job I was no longer employed at. She then ordered that I move out of the home I solely own in 30 days. Let me make this perfectly clear… My financial declaration, showed that I only net less than $5500 a month over the window the court examined and thus used to determine our finances. We had no debt at the time, and my mortgage was $2550. That means that I had roughly $2950 a month for groceries, gas, kids sports, clothing, and fun. In fact at that time I didn’t even make that much a month. The commissioner, when looking at our financial documents, decided to include a bonus I received and a one time union contract retro payout towards my monthly income. Something that she conveniently did not do to my ex who also received a bonus in the same window. Drastically inflating my monthly numbers.

This court hearing took place in April 2023. The court used the income we made in the previous three months (January, February and March). In my case, I netted these amounts in that time span. Jan-$2616, Feb-$2298, Mar-$5595. Totaling $10,509/3 months = $3503 net a month. Which is how they determined my ex’s income. However for mine, the court added a $390 profit sharing bonus I received in Feb-that is only paid out once a year (in Feb) if the company produces more than a 1% profit the year prior. They also added a $3190 retro paycheck I received in March for a union contract that had just been ratified. This was to be paid out once, and would not pay again. Yet they counted it against me as part of my recurring monthly earnings. Now for some reason the court decided to omit my Jan pay from this equation citing my job title changed from “Trainee to Fully Employed”. Are you as bamboozled as I was when this all got read to me?

In the courts eyes, between Feb and Mar, I generated $11,473/2 months = $5736 net a month. That is $2,233 difference between what I actually made and what the court determined I made. My lawyer, objected to this as soon as it was read. However Commissioner Wilson over-ruled her and said that she would not be entertaining any objections to these decisions in this meeting. That if we wanted to formally object we would need to file a full and separate objection to her rulings. Something that would have taken at minimum three months to do, at added expense, and with a very sour taste in ones mouth based on the monstrosity that was unfolding in front of us with Commissioner Wilson.

So now the first damages had been done. I was to move out of the home I own, still responsible for the $2550 mortgage of what was in my name only. I now had to secure a new residence close enough and big enough for myself and my children, and pay $2795 in alimony/child support. On June 1st of 2023 I moved into a 1000 sqft condo from my 4600 sqft home. My rent, utility, storage fees are now $3000 a month, and oh yeah, I’m 20 minutes away from my old neighborhood. Not to mention, I had to buy new furniture for my kids, beds, dressers, etc, in addition to the moving costs. Anyone do the math here yet? Now, lucky for me the following month I was awarded a full line as apposed to being on a reserve schedule. This metric alone allowed me to work less than 15 days a month and increase my monthly net income to $5500 net a month.

Now despite this, there is still a huge problem that must be solved. I have a mortgage, due the 1st of every month of $2550. I now have to pay my ex $2795 in alimony and child support on the 1st of every month. I now have to pay rent on the first of every month of $3000. That’s $8295 due on the 1st and that’s not even accounting for groceries, gas, and legal fees. At the time I only generated $5500. A difference of $2795. The court ordered my ex to put all of the homes utilities into her name and to pay the mortgage thankfully, but did not specify how that was to be done. My ex’s impression of how this was going to go was that I would pay her the $2795 a month, and that she would use that money to pay the mortgage (that isn’t and can never be in her name) and utilities. But there were logistical problems with that. The first being that the mortgage was due on the 1st as well, the same day as the child support/alimony, the second was that although you can transfer ownership of the utilities to someone else by simply making a new account, you cannot do this with a mortgage. The mortgage needed to be paid as it always had been, by me and in my name. My ex and her lawyer tried very hard to circumvent these logistics. She demanded that she be paid the full amount at the first of every month. There was no way this was going to happen. Even if I could have afforded that, there was no way I trusted her to make the mortgage payment for me. That would put me in a very vulnerable position where she could pocket the money and never pay the mortgage. A move that would only hurt me financially and make it very difficult to get any of that money back. Interestingly enough, my ex to this day has never followed her own temporary orders, and honestly I don’t think she has ever read them in their entirety either. She was supposed to transfer all the utilities into her name, electric, gas, WiFi, sewer/water/trash. She did most of these over time, but never all of them. As a result I still pay $90-$125 a month for her sewer/water/trash. On the 1st of the month I owe her $2795, I subtract the mortgage - $2550, which leaves $245. I then subtract that utility bill which ranges from $90-$125 a month, and pay her the difference. That’s how its been done for the last two years.

The court drastically reduced our entire budget—cutting allocations for essentials like food, gas, clothing, and child-related expenses. They also eliminated contributions to both savings and retirement. However, they failed to account for any of the new costs I would face upon moving out, including rent or any other living expenses under the temporary orders.

Moving on, the temporary orders are now in place, and I have been living in my new apartment since June 2023. My lawyer wanted to formally object to the commissioners rulings but I convinced her that we need to be done with the commissioner and needed to get in front of the judge ASAP.

(Too Be Continued as this section is a work in progress)

For PGAL section' (currently out of place)

In my case, my ex tried to fight our motion asking for the court to appoint a PGAL to our case as we have an unfair custody agreement due to temporary orders that are still in effect. She didn’t want a PGAL assigned to our case. However, when we added a neglect charge to our PGAL motion in addition to the unfair custody arrangement, her lawyer wanted to have a chat with my lawyer before we entered the court that day. Her lawyer told my lawyer that they would not fight the PGAL motion so long as we drop the neglect charges and I assume all the costs for the PGAL. They also said they were neither confirming nor denying the neglect charges, but rather asking us to address them when we have our full day in court in exchange for their compliance with the PGAL motion today. As soon as we sat down in court, the commissioner Wilson asked if we had reached an agreement. Both lawyers said they had based on the custody agreement, and then commissioner Wilson did something peculiar. She asked “What about the neglect charge?” My ex’s lawyer stood up and said that both parties agreed to address that charge at a later date. Commissioner Wilson, gave them a blank look and then granted the PGAL.

Three weeks later one was finally assigned. Enter Ms. Amy Williamson. Her contact began via an email to me to introduce herself, and asking if we could set up a time to talk within the week. I responded to her 4 hours later, giving her all of my availability for the week. Four days later having not heard from her, I sent a follow up email, updating my availability again. Seven days after making contact with me originally, she finally responded with her phone number telling me to just call or text her. She responded a few hours later and we agreed to speak on the phone, that she would call me two days later at 1230p. Two days later came, it is now 12:45 and there is no contact from Ms. Williamson. I reached out to her via text, and she called me back a few minutes after that, as if she had forgotten. I was easy to summarize from the phone call that she was busy with other tasks. We only spoke briefly, she did not explain her role, or what I could expect, she just asked me if I had any questions for her. I told her I don’t even know what to ask, I was hoping that she would fill me in on how this process works and her role in it. None of that happened. She just asked me to text her a time and date she could come by and speak to the children individually, and then asked what their schedules were the following week, so that she could observe them.